Well that was an interesting evening. Not that the time since I last wrote down my thoughts hasn’t been. Killing a zombie bear, dealing with crazed spirits and the slow trickle learning about what I really am now.
But today we entered a kern(?), or however you spell it. It was one of the Fox and meet some interesting members. Really nice ones after you got to know them. I was very on edge at first but started feeling at home once Brickhouse rejoined us. Hope they were not too hard on him. They are willing to teach us things, and we can stay as long as we need to. There is so much to learn and I was really starting to feel at home.
All was going well and we were learning a lot until we got to rankings….
I have given up on trying for leader, I don’t have what this group is looking for. They want a kind pushover who pats them on the head and says “there there, it’s going to be ok”. I clearly cannot be that so I will suffice for something lower in the ranks.
Oh but how low, ABSOLUTE FUCKING BOTTOM IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! I’m powerful, intelligent and can handle my own yet I’m stuck at the bottom with Jayden who seems as useful as a used tampon. Even that loose canon Paul is ranked above me, most of his successes were dumb luck and stupidly reckless. Being below Doug is something I can deal with; out of everyone he has been the most crucial member having better knowledge and useful abilities. Doug has pulled us out of more situations than I can count. I respectfully bow down to him.
But the biggest knife in the back? Oh yeah I am rank way below Brickhouse. Let me first off say its not Brickhouse that I have a problem with, he is really kind in a goofy sort of way but is dumb as rocks and clearly just a meat shield. Yet HE IS RANKED ABOVE ME FOR FUCK SAKES! Clearly I am not appreciated here in this “pack”. I am clearly too nice and forgiving, they are taking it as a sign of weakness.
I have done so much for this pack, never once being selfish or putting us in a bad situation, yet I the most well rounded and stable person here and here I am at the GOD DAMN BOTTOM OF THE TOTEM!
I didn’t speak up during the rankings out of respect for them but clearly they have no respect for me. Something needs to change, but what, what could I possible do? I wonder if another pack in this Kern(?) would accept and appreciate me. They sure have treated me with more respect than these fools.
And what is with this lame ass name they gave me? Clearly out of pity because they couldn’t think of anything else. Again I kept my mouth shut out of respect.
Right now is not the time to make a decision. I need to be calm and collective, keep face and go on with this for now. If I let others know this is bothering me it will be another weakness for them to exploit, I must keep this inside me.